Myths of Marriage

What you believe about marriage will become the fuel for your behavior in marriage. Spouses often do not believe similar things. You must explore these myths of marriage.

• We expect the same things from marriage...Maybe the husband expects his wife to quit her job and stay home cooking and cleaning, while the wife expects to keep her career.
• Unspoken rules...this is as simple putting the cap back on the toothpaste, or as complex as to how presents are addressed and wrapped under the Christmas tree. What we know growing up is what we expect as adults in our family.
• Unconscious Roles...Similar to unspoken rules, we take what we saw as children into our new roles as husbands and wives. You must express your expectations or you will be sorely disappointed. If the wife's father took out the trash, odds are the trash sits there until the husband takes it out...or worse, she'll take the trash out and then resent the husband for it. Often, in this scenario, they hubby doesn't know why she's upset!
• Everything good will get better...there is no better way to find disappointment than to expect the happiness you have pre-marriage to become a scene from Disney complete with birds singing and small forest creatures in the window.
• Everything bad will disappear...this is a marriage, not a miracle. Marriage is a statement of faith and love, a sacred union blessed by God...not medicine to cure an illness. Marriage by itself without hard work will not save your relationship!
• My spouse will make me whole...if you build intimacy with another person before getting whole on your own, all of your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself.
• Three relationships to review:

1. A-Frame Relationships: Picture a couple leaning completely on each other in the shape on an "A". This couple is overly dependent.
2. H-Frame Relationships: Picture a couple holding hands with arms fully extended, standing erect. Can you see the way this couple makes an "H"? this couple is overly independent.
3. M-Frame Relationships: This couple is holding hands, but standing closely with their arms by their sides. Both are standing straight, but close to one another; in the shape of an "M". This couple is interdependent.

The objective is to become the M-Frame couple. Discussing the above myths with your spouse is a good step in that direction.